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Mysterious Woman
February 20, 2007
Mystery Woman ~ Canon 30d
"Know thyself"
~ Plato
* oh god.. here she goes again on another unedited, off-the-cuff, not completely thought through starts here, ends there sort of entry *
How do any of us really completely understand and "know" ourselves? This isn't a rhetorical question, I'm really wondering if there's a way.. not just to know, but to KNOW... ya know?
Most things in life are overdetermined, meaning... there's usually a variety of reasons for any given "thing" we're encountering... whether it be within ourselves, or in the person sitting next to us who's driving us crazy ~ (which, btw, has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with how we're choosing to react to him. Yes.. in some ways, it IS all about US.)
((((( Know thyself ~ Plato )))))
We ask ourselves ::
Why did I do that? Why am I not doing this? Why do I let that get to me? When will I get over this? Why have I been so convinced I am a certain "way", yet find my actions incongruous with my so-called "beliefs" about myself?
Overdetermined, that's what I say.
It could be we're always changing, and the way we once were... it just isn't the case anymore. It could be we choose to tell lies to ourselves, unable to see the truth because it doesn't fit society's expectations, our family's wishes, or what we've always thought was good and appropriate for ourselves. Could be, perhaps, we just haven't dug deep enough, or we just weren't ready until now to peel back another layer of our true skins... something which can only be done in the spirit of acceptance and joy. Yes.. I said JOY. Every bit of us is unique and brilliant, and if it doesn't seem that way deep down inside, it's just because we don't fully understand the compassionate reasons and motivations responsible for every remarkable facet of our existence.
It might seem as though I am writing in circles, and you know what? That's okay. Most people probably stopped reading this post after looking at the picture, which is somewhat sophomoric in its execution. Others got as far as Plato, and decided it doesn't get any better than that and hit the "back" button. What matters is I'm one of those people who wants to get to know herself fully, in spite of the realization she can't know everything there is to know.
Ya know why? We're boundless creatures, that's why. The human mind cannot contain the limitlessness our of spiritual nature.
If you disagree with me, then tell me where the dividing line is. I DARE YOU. Show me precisely what I can and cannot do. Tell me where I end, and you begin. Draw the line, and show me my limit. Can you do that for me?
* silence... crickets chirping.. the sound of dogs farting *
Then why do we draw so many lines for ourselves?
I can't do that. I'll never get over this. I'll never forgive myself. He victimized me. This isn't me. That's not who I am. I can't forgive. I give up. I won't give in.
Who is the woman in the photograph above? I could give you some concrete answers about her ~ she's a 41 year old woman standing in the bathroom pointing the camera at herself in the mirror. It's August 2006, around 4 o'clock in the afternoon. She knows who she is and what she wants, but her intention is to appear mysterious to the viewer. But unbeknownst to her, in a number of months, she herself will be so mystified by the woman in the reflection she'll find herself weighing her options and contemplating taking a chance ~ making a deliberate move ~ considering a definitive choice ~ taking a leap into the Canyon of Unknowns.
The field of "knowing" that felt so safe and secure? Last night, for the first time she noticed there's a fence around it. The sound of coyotes are echoing from a far away place. Funny. She never heard them before, but their songs are persistent and filled with longing. Curiosity, getting the best of her, she strides over to the gate, swings a boot over the top plank. She sits straddling the dividing line while conducting a symphony internal assessment ~
Will the oasis in her heart of hearts sustain her on the desert journey? Can she survive by herself so far away from home?
The coyotes' call pitches higher and louder while the moon grows beyond its fullness. The nonsensicle drumbeat of the wilderness, imperceptibly at first, begins tapping its tantilzing rhythmn on the door of her heart.
"Wake up, wild woman. Will you choose to wake up?"
"It may not feel entirely safe, but you could be sorry," sighs the soft voiceless whisper ~ her words, cascading rings of delightful confusion, singing their way to the unstruck chord of the heart.
Suddenly. Passionately. Unexpectedly. Completely. Smile erupting. Laughter breaking. Songbirds' flight from throat singing, "My heart is my home. My home is my heart. I will return to my home, and wake up to myself."
Posted by susan at February 20, 2007 9:10 PM
Comments
I'm right there with you, on the same journey. It seems that every few weeks I discover a new layer to the Self that I thought was formed and determined and on its way towards dimmer days (I'm not 20 anymore, I'm approaching middle age, etc...)
These days resonate with tantalizing rhythms.
Cool pic, and good post.
Posted by: beth at February 20, 2007 11:30 PM
damn! i wanted to go to bed, i was so tired, but I HAD to comment, i mean this is beautiful. love the whole fence and coyote imagery. endless, yes indeed. go forth, with occasional pauses. peace in your quest.
atticus (patti)
Posted by: atticus at February 21, 2007 1:42 AM
...and blossom once again amidst the din of silence.
(and what dear Patti said!)
Posted by: dan at February 21, 2007 1:58 AM
Some day, I too, hope to fully know the reflection in my mirror, for each time I think I have her, she shifts in another direction. Some days I think I don't know her at all, and other days she is so real and vivid to me. Maybe I need a new mirror?
Posted by: jayne at February 21, 2007 6:30 AM
hmmm, wow! good post!!
Posted by: Kirsten at February 21, 2007 5:27 PM
I am not so sure we will ever completely know ourselves because we are always changing depending upon where we are in life, who we are with, if we are happy or sad, what we've read, seen, heard or wish for. We evolve. Yes, we need to know who we have been in the past; what had made us happy or sad to hlep us determine who we are now, and that takes work like writing journals or meditation. But as we grow older we sometimes change our likes, our passions, our opinions, based upon new information and/or wisdom from the past. Life is an exciting and often confusing journey. Sometimes it is just enough to BE who we are at the moment and ACCEPT that who we are is FINE and loveable and exciting. Just this moment. Just this second. And it is all ok.
Posted by: janet at February 21, 2007 6:20 PM
Depending where the light goes through me that is what I see. Changing and becoming. Those dark spots seem to eat at me. And sometimes I embrace them. But most the time they knaw and I suffer.
We are... now and tomorrow and yesterday, becoming and becoming and becoming.
I am and I don't know much.
Posted by: tongue in cheek at February 22, 2007 8:47 AM
Depending where the light goes through me that is what I see. Changing and becoming. Those dark spots seem to eat at me. And sometimes I embrace them. But most the time they knaw and I suffer.
We are... now and tomorrow and yesterday, becoming and becoming and becoming.
I am and I don't know much.
Posted by: tongue in cheek at February 22, 2007 8:48 AM
oooohhhh susan....wow, this gave me goose bumps...
Posted by: la vie en rose at February 22, 2007 5:22 PM
Stunning post.....what a great journey it is...this discovering ourselves...
Posted by: Gypsy Purple-Chamara at February 22, 2007 8:47 PM
Infact when I started blogging, this is what I asked myself. I am still trying to find the answer. Will I ever?
Posted by: gautami at February 23, 2007 12:31 PM
digging is the joy, and digging for a big treasure! well, I am still digging ;)
Posted by: kim at February 23, 2007 12:38 PM
