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Is Happiness a Choice?
May 18, 2005
Ask a happy person this question, and most likely she'll say, "Why yes! I'm choosing to be happy!" Ask a depressed person the same question and you're likely to get growled at, and with good reason. Being depressed not only sucks, it's a dark hole that can seem insurmountable. I know what I write, because I've been there, done that. I also know that we all experience depression in big and small doses, and I'm certainly not immune to visiting the hole again in the future. This is why I take care of and respect the depression tree. It requires frequent care and pruning.
I received a message from one of my visitors this morning who was saddened by yesterday's thought. I suggested that my readers "choose to be happy." I understand where this person is. When you're trying to come to terms with depression, such suggestions come across as being a politically incorrect slap in the face. Why? Because when you're depressed, you feel as though you've done everything you can to put an end to your suffering, but without success. The thought that you've chosen to feel this way is like rubbing salt into a bitter wound.
This isn't my intention, because I really do believe that one person's suffering affects us all. It's not a conclusion I came to quickly, but I believe it deep in my marrow. We're interconnected with each other, and through nature. There's a delicate balance we have as human beings, like an eco-system. Upset one area too much, and everything is affected.
This morning, I performed one of my daily rituals. I pulled out a Yogi tea bag to make myself some green tea. I love Yogi tea because each tea tag has a simple message of truth printed on the back of it. Today's tag really hit me in that soft gooey spot I hold under a protective coating most of the time. The spot inside of me that I frequently hide, but speaks of my deepest personal experiences. The spot we think no one else can understand ~ the tender place we dare not discuss out loud because our HMO might label us as a high-risk patient who might cost them a lot of money.
My tea tag said: Let your heart speak to other's hearts.
Why can't we do this with more ease? Our experiences as human beings are universal. If we dared to gingerly break open the protective cocoon encasing our tender hearts, I do believe that jewels, like butterflies, would come floating out.
I'm pulling one of my jewels out to share with you. It's a hard cut diamond that took many nights of sobbing into a pillow to cut and fashion, but it's the one I cherish the most, and by far it is the most beautiful.
Two years ago I ended a relationship that lasted over a decade. It was the equivalent of a divorce. We were both depressed, which means we were angry. Neither one of us was moving forward... which of course, means we were moving backwards. We put off ending the relationship because we both knew it would serve to heighten the pain. Endings suck. Especially when you truly love and care for someone, but it just isn't working. I still love him, and I will to my dying day. We just weren't good for each other.
So, I moved back to Washington, DC. At first, I was filled with a feeling of newness and breaking free... but there's no short cut through the wilderness I was heading into. There were answers I needed to find, and feelings that needed to be felt and I had to become a friend to my mourning if there was any hope of finding a new day again.
I know, I'm nuts. I just said I needed to befriend my sadness.
I'd like to propose that there's nothing wrong with sadness and it certainly isn't a sin. As a matter of fact, it can be our friend. Depression is a sign that something is out of balance. It's a signal something needs to be done, or undone. Accepting where you are and how you feel without harsh judgement is the most important step you can take to finding a light for your shadow ~ embracing it with all your might... loving it... learning from it.
Personally, I think if you don't feel depressed on some level these days, then something really could be wrong. You'd have to be an unfeeling, unopened, closed-off being to not be concerned and saddened by the state of our country and the world. The condition of organized religion in this country saddens me to no end. I think we need to dump the dogma that tells us we're bad to the core. THAT is what needs to be bombed. We need to reel the self-hatred kite in for good and throw it into the bon fire. We are sacred beings. All of us have things we're ashamed of, but guilt and blame will get both you and the rest of humanity nowhere. We are sacred, each and every one of us.
But the question on the table is HAPPINESS. One of my beefs with the Christianity I was introduced to in high school (yes, unfortunately, it was on the fundamentalist side) is that HAPPINESS is a stand-alone entity. Not only is it a stand-alone entity, it's something that you should always feel if you're "at one with the Lord."
This is a terrible lie.
Happiness cannot exist without experiencing its shadow: sadness. But sadness directed inward turns into depression. Yes, there is such a thing as chemical imbalances, and Dolly, Holly and everybody has been on, or is taking antidepressants. For me, in the short term, they've worked wonders... but they aren't a long-term fix. I've found naming the dragon that hoards the gold and keeps our purest self captive is the way out of the lair of depression. But I also think the dragon isn't something to be destroyed. Our shadows are in need of recognition and transformation. As long as you're at war within yourself, peace will be unable to find you.
Why not take the ugly dragon and twist it on it's head? I love Chinese dragons. They're so colorful and happy. Vibrant and productive. Good fortune embodies the chinese dragon. Now THAT's the dragon I want roaring inside of me. A dragon who understands how fortunate and powerful she is. Gimme that dragon!
Yes, chemistry plays a huge part in our mood, but our thinking affects our chemistry. I'm suggesting that we make small choices every moment of our lives that either help our chemistry, or contaminate it. Heaven or hell are readily available to you here and now. Choose one or the other. It isn't coincidental that I take pictures of beautiful things. Focusing on the beauty will heal you. It won't happen over night, but it will happen.
Back to my story...
I focused my lens for quite a few months on the dark hole that I perceived my life to be. The lonliness was incomprehensible. I'd try to reach out, but everyone is so fucking BUSY these days.. and no one wants to be around a depressive.And when you're down, it feels like people kick you around even more. It's a vicious cycle. The people who deeply cared for me listened to my sadness for quite some time, but out of concern, and with love, they began asking me, "How long are you going to stay here? When are you going to move on? Why don't you get out more? Please, Susan, try to focus on the positive."
Ouch."You think I'm enjoying this?"
It's a sick kind of enjoyment... self-pity.
But the message kept coming back to me. I was negative, and I knew it. What you point your lens at sooner or later comes into sharper focus. I was pointing the viewfinder straight into the abyss, instead of shooting toward the stars.
But here's where I pull the ironic twist again. There is a time and place for examining your pity. It can be helpful for a spell ~ but stay there too long, and you cast yourself into a spell that is hard to break out of. Yin and yang. Good and evil. Happiness and sadness. Order and chaos. Why they are intertwined, we aren't intended to know. There is a balance to be struck, and it's a never-ending process.
But wait. God is supposed to cure everything, right? I challenge you to find one prophet, one holy person, who didn't encounter immense suffering during their lives. The spiritual life is one filled with both love and sorrow. You can choose to live a flat-line life, but would it be a life worth living? It's the knowledge of a higher purpose, and the experience of love in the midst of imperfection that we are called to. It's like the sun shining through the rain. Laughter in the midst of tears. These experiences are the richest and most pleasant of all our human experiences... aren't they?
This is the jewel which has been created in my heart. Formed in the fire through what has seemed like unbearable heat and pressure, it has not been an easy process. I hold this little jewel in my hand and it sparkles with the hard won lessons of compassion. I've created this diamond, and every day presents me with a choice of what kind of life I want to create.
I look at my life now as an on-going work in progress. One I hope will turn out to be a masterpiece. There are days when I'm fired up and in tune with the world, and I paint like a master. Other days, it's a total wash, and everything I do looks like crap. I don't judge myself by one bad day, or by the mistakes I've made. Your life can be as beautiful or subdued, or angry, or pleasant as you choose to make it. No matter the sum of its parts, the end result will be magnificent. We live, we laugh and cry, we walk this earth. Everything is a miracle when considered within the context that we are here, we exist and we are breathing. If the only thing you can be happy about is breathing, then this is certainly a place to start.
(Will she EVER wrap this up?)
Yes, I'm about to.
As I tie this marathon entry up with a bow and push the "SAVE" button, I feel compelled to share a little secret. This blog. This Visual-Voice sandbox of mine. This has been the cure for my depression. Creating with a purpose is my saving grace. This blog is intended to be a place of beauty. There are days when it seems there is nothing to be grateful for... and then I see a patch of afternoon sunlight shining through my window onto my cat's paws. I see the lovliness in the curve of a water glass on the Thai restaurant table. There is immense beauty surrounding us everywhere, if only we would open our eyes to find it.
When I suggested that we "choose to be happy" I was in no way implying that anyone can flip a switch and suddenly the HAPPY lights will turn on. I know how it feels to be told to snap out of it, when you're in so deep without a ladder to climb. Perhaps it would have been better for me to say that happiness is something we choose to move toward. We embark upon the process of becoming happy. Choose to find one little glimmer, and then tomorrow, set your heart upon finding two. Slowly, rung by rung, week by week, the glimmers grow into splashes of sustained sunlight as you've made your way above sea level. In the midst of our despair, we can be our own catalysts and creative sparks for change.
Find your bliss. Follow it. Share your gift with the world. Your happiness will grow, and with it, so will the happiness of the world.
Posted by susan at May 18, 2005 8:30 PM
Comments
It is obvious that this subject is deeply important to you.
I think that it is no coincidence that every major spiritual pathway both deals with suffering and, at some level, makes peace with it. Whether it be an Eastern religion that sees suffering as a pathway to growth, or a fundamentalist Christianity that calls suffering God's Will, or a simple woman who confesses that without suffering and perserverence, she wouldn't be the person she is today.
Another common element is the inability of many people to hear the message that suffering is a part of life. So those prophets who speak this truth are often misunderstood, and, ironically, made to suffer themselves.
Posted by: real live preacher at May 19, 2005 12:20 AM
What a wonderful post, Susan!
Thank you for taking the time to share it with us.
Posted by: dan at May 19, 2005 1:16 AM
I've got a personal theory, and i was reminded of it halfway through reading your post:
Balance is the key to everything.. everything.
Good and evil. Right and wrong. Happy and sad. It's all about maintaining a balance.
I've personally found the best way to deal with sadness and depressive thoughts is to first know and expect that they are going to happen. Then they become easier to control.
Posted by: Rich at May 19, 2005 1:42 AM
This was write on the money for me. Focusing on the positive has really helped me a lot. I even see a change in my daughter. I think she's surprising herself by seeing beauty in things she normally wouldn't give much thought to at all. This is very inspirational. I hope you don't mind if I link to this post. Well, I've already got your page linked anyway. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.:)
Posted by: Diana at May 19, 2005 11:45 AM
Right on! As a chronic-depressive, I hear and understand every word you said.
My "happy pills" don't always work, and when the don't, I sometimes get lost in that nether-world of self pity and introspection.
Most people...those who don't experience depression at this level...simply do not understand what it is like.
But, you are correct in saying that the way out is to choose everyday to climb that climb; rung by rung, choice by choice, glimmer of hope by glimmer of hope, until your head protrudes above the waves. Take a deep breath, then make the final effort to climb out of the morass. It is worth the effort.
The sun shines up here!!!
Posted by: Arthur at May 22, 2005 11:17 AM
Ask a depressed person the same question and you're likely to get growled at, and with good reason. Being depressed not only sucks, it's a dark hole that can seem insurmountable.
I've been struggling with depression for more than half my life now (first diagnosed 18 years ago). One of the ways I know when the black dog (to use Winston Churchill's description of depression) is getting the better of me is that I'm unable to make that choice. When I'm doing okay - when my resilience is high enough for me to function - I'm able to look at a setback and choose how to deal with it. When I'm not doing well (resilience is low), it's as though there's no choice at all involved in my though patterns, just a straight-line, fast path down the slope to the bottom of the dark hole.
So yes, it's a choice. It's just that even making the choice takes energy and resilience, and sometimes that's too much for a depressed person to muster. One of the things that seems to help for me is to actually relinquish the choice. Sometimes, when the black dog has me by the throat, my husband will say "Yes, I understand that you're in despair right now. We're still going down to the park to sit in the sun now, and we can talk about this more in half an hour. Until then, no talking and no analysis. Here are your sunglasses and your hat. Let's get in the sun and see how things look then."
Posted by: Lexica at May 26, 2005 2:05 PM
Perfect. You have got it, girl, in my humble opinion. Meaning I agree with you. I am reading Thich Nhat Hanh, who has many good things to say on this subject.
Posted by: Karen at June 1, 2005 7:58 AM
