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Resurrection of the Dead
March 24, 2005
Today was a doozy. I woke up this morning, turned on the mechanical box with which I make my living –a "computer", I think they call it – and was greeted by a screen I have never seen before. It wasn't the ethereal blue desktop I've grown accustomed to, but a plain, stark grey screen that said "You must restart your computer" in about 5 different languages.
I thought, "Okay, I can do that. I'm good at restarting." That's just about when all hell broke loose.
The screen appeared again... and again... and again... no matter how many times I tried to breathe life into it. I plopped in my Norton Utilities Disc and was rather dismayed when it couldn't locate my hard drive.
I've been working for myself for what, 8 years now? I've NEVER had my hard drive disappear on me. In all my years of web design I've always been able to diagnose the problem and, worst case scenario, have been able to re-install the system software. That is, until today.
Deep slow breaths in and out. Don't panic. It'll be okay. This is the down side to working for yourself. There's no one to blame, no geek in the cubicle next door to sweep in and save the day.
I called Apple tech support and was on the line for two hours. TWO hours. Followed by two trips to the store... in the rain. Every time I restarted the machine I felt as though I was a doctor in the ER trying to jolt my computer back to life. Doctor... you've done everything you can... it's time to let go... your computer has passed on to the other side. The Almighty Old Testament Computer God wasn't swayed by my prayers, so I resorted to begging and whining, "Don't go toward the light! Come back to me! It's not your time! I can't live without you!"
The amazing thing is that I didn't panic even for a minute today. For those of you who know me well, let me write that again. SUSAN DID NOT PANIC EVEN ONCE TODAY. Not even when the super-techy guy got on the phone and said things like, "Oh oh," and "I was afraid that might happen."
And you know WHY I didn't panic? It's simple. After six months of illness (from which I have almost completely recovered) having my computer die on me just didn't seem all that significant. It's just a machine. Yeah, it's an important machine, but a machine nonetheless. Maybe I'd lose some files... maybe I'd have to do my taxes all over again... but I would still be healthy, and I would undoubtedly survive.
Illness can be teacher. Stress can be good. I'm in a much better place now than I've ever been before. I'm kind of thinking that bad things happen to good people because it's one of the most effective ways to get us to wake up and make sure we don't miss what's important – our lives. No kidding. How do we learn not to sweat the small stuff if we haven't come face to face with the big stuff? I'm going to sit with that idea for awhile.
Easter's just around the corner. Winter is passing away, and the earth is coming to life all around us. Whether you believe in God, or in Spirit, or in the Easter Bunny, I'd like to invite you to live in the metaphor of rebirth and resurrection today. Sometimes really bad things happen in order for really good things to appear. The story of Jesus is a pretty good example of this. Suffering is a part of our world. It's part of the human experience, and it is the path of the divine.
Oh, and what about the fate of my hard drive? Well, I got this posted, didn't I?
;-)
Posted by susan at March 24, 2005 12:24 AM
Comments
Susan, I came to your blog via Real Live Preacher...and I came to his blog via someone else.... I've been blown away by your pictures mainly, but I really appreciated what you wrote (and what you went through) today.
I recently had a hard drive crash for the first time. Sent it away and got a new one. It crashed too. Lesson here: don't buy Hitachi hard drives. But through it all I was JUST able to keep my composure. Congrats on keeping yours.
I don't know what you've been through lately, but I'm sure that you're right. God prepares us for the small...okay, and the medium, by getting us through the big. I'm glad you've come out the other side. Happy Easter!
Posted by: Steve at March 24, 2005 3:12 AM
That's my girl! Keeping her cool in the midst of the disaster.
I'm so glad you can finally feel that you really have grown and are not only better, but right where you should be. It's been a long few years for both of us, but I know we're on the path.
Happy bunnies my friend.
Posted by: joy at March 24, 2005 9:34 AM
Susan, I came to your blog via Real Live Preacher...really enjoyed your pix. Being a Mac user and lover myself I'm glad you got your computer back up and running.
Posted by: M.A. Pryor at March 24, 2005 2:07 PM
Well done. well written. well well!
Posted by: rlp at March 24, 2005 3:30 PM
Another reader of RLP who linked to your site through him. Love your site, all of it.
Don't need to know the details of your illness, but as one who has Crohn's disease, (a major pain in the B***, -- pun intended!) I can relate BIG TIME! My prayers are with you.
Posted by: Arthur at March 25, 2005 9:58 PM
I've been in serious discussion with a young man in my fellowship regarding illness and disease in believers (he thinks there should never be any) and you just hit a huge homerun with me. How can we ever sweat the small stuff if we never have anything to compare it to. Thank you!
Posted by: tim at March 26, 2005 10:31 PM
I have a child with a catastrophic disease, but right now he's doing well and for the most part, our lives are grand, we are blessed beyond measure.
But, as it is with everyone, life is still a struggle and I am a collector of perspectives on why bad things happen not just to good people, but to our innocent babies.
I collect these perspectives and recall them on the dark days, and I do appreciate yours.
Your blog is striking in its simplicity and beauty.
Thank you.
Posted by: Kathy at March 29, 2005 7:59 PM
Susan, I've been back and forth at your site probably since Andrea showed it to me at Advent. I love getting tiny glimpses of your brilliance through your blog. I love it! But today, today is different; Today, I am struggling to get through your thoughts and words, and I don't know why...I have to keep looking at other things for fear that the tears in my eyes, might stain my cheeks. You are so amazing, Susan, all that I can say is wow!
Posted by: Lauren at March 31, 2005 12:37 PM
